Attachment styles have been a pop psychology interest in recent years, which naturally means there has been some diluting of its original meaning and how it is utilized in social settings. Attachment styles are referenced in the dating world, to explain connections with friends and family, and even our working style. However, what actually is an attachment style and how can we make sure we’re understanding it to its entirety?
The first thing to know is that attachment styles are thought to be influenced most by primary caregivers when we are children. When we are young, we base our knowledge of the world on our own personal experiences because that is all the information we have as a child. Sometimes it’s helpful to think of this as a template or a blueprint for how we interact with others that we utilize for the rest of our lives (unless we adjust or change it through therapy). There are thought to be four attachment styles:
Anxious (also called preoccupied)
Avoidant (also called dismissive)
Disorganized (also called fearful-avoidant)
Secure
It may be helpful to know what these titles mean, so we’ve included some more in depth information below. Please remember, as fun as it can be to self diagnose, what might be more helpful is to discuss this with a mental health professional in order to get the full scope on your individual attachment style.
Anxious Attachment
It can be helpful to think about anxious attachment/preoccupied attachment as ‘I am anxious you might leave’ or ‘I’m preoccupied with the idea that you might leave.’ People who live with anxious attachment style are deeply invested and attentive to their relationships. So much so, that it may become ‘too much of a good thing’ where the individual is hyperaware of what their loved one’s intentions are within the relationship and may need constant reassurance that their loved ones are as invested in their relationships as they are.
Avoidant/Dismissive
This attachment style can be thought of as hyper independent and reluctant to rely on others for support or to meet their needs. These individuals may present as emotionally distant and self reliant. Usually, this can create tension in relationships with loved ones due to lack of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Avoidant attachment style prioritizes self reliance and self efficiency in order to decrease chances of dependency.
Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant
This attachment style can be thought of as a combination of both anxious and avoidant. These individuals want to have the emotional intimacy of others then may subsequently be avoidant of intimacy to keep themselves safe from becoming too vulnerable. This can be challenging because this person usually wants the closeness from others while equally refusing to trust in others. This attachment style usually leaves people wanting connection while equally fearing the connection.
Secure
Secure attachment is pretty much how it sounds. This individual is someone who feels comfortable relying on others while also being relied on. This individual has a positive view of themselves and others. Their relationships with others and themselves are low-stakes and they have more built in self regulatory skills when it comes to interpersonal conflict and management.
While it may seem like attachment styles are things that are embedded in our psyche and resistant to change, there are steps you can take to move from a more dysregulated attachment style to secure. While there is nothing wrong with you for not having a secure attachment, it can be helpful to know how to cope with the more dysregulated styles. We always consider insight and self-awareness as being the first step. After that, we strongly believe in working with a practitioner to develop coping skills for further addressing attachment style distress in every day life.
The information on this website is not intended to diagnose or treat any medical or psychological condition and is not a substitute for therapy. If you are experiencing an emergency please call/text 988 or go to your nearest emergency room.
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