People Pleasing and the Holidays

In recent years, the term ‘people pleaser’ has been tossed around a lot. We hear it in movies, TV, and it is now almost our everyday vernacular. We want to be cognizant of the differences between casual people-pleasing, and what is known as fawning. People-pleasing can be thought of as a broad term of doing things for people in order to make them happy. This can be a conscious or unconscious decision made and is usually discussed as a preference. However, when people-pleasing is driven by trauma, it is actually known as ‘fawning.’ Fawning is a trauma response that is a part of the same family of ‘fight vs. flight’ which are more commonly known. Fawning is often described as an automatic response to threat by appeasing others. This can stem from childhood/familial trauma. 

With the holidays coming up, it can be helpful to think about what our emotional responses might be in order to plan for coping ahead of time. While people-pleasing is often viewed as kind and considerate, we want to take stock in if the behavior detracts from our experience and emotional well-being vs. adding to it. Here are a few dynamics and situations to think over in preparation for the upcoming festive season to protect yourself and your emotional wellness. 

1. Are you over-booking yourself?

Yes, the invitations, engagement, and feelings of obligation usually increase during this time of year. Which is why it’s important to schedule things in a realistic way. Are you making too many commitments? Are you trying to cram things in your calendar? Try to remember that there may be emotional factors at play. If you are nervous that people will be mad at you for not attending, you may be people-pleasing or fawning. Lean into the fact that a loved one would want you to be well, even if it means saying no to them. 

2. Are you the host who’s trying to make things perfect?

There are a lot of contributing factors that can lead to over-romanticising the holiday season. There are so many social and media influences that can lead people to believing that the holidays are meant to only feel positive feelings and the way to guarantee that is by making things perfect. Regardless if that is the perfect gift, the perfect meal, or the perfect vibe, it puts a wild amount of pressure and stress on individuals. This can lead to sacrificing our own needs and feelings in order to invest more time and energy into others. Try to remember that things don’t have to be perfect for people to enjoy your gathering, connecting with one another is the core of what festivities are about. 

3. Family dynamics. 

This can be one of the more challenging variables when it comes to people-pleasing and fawning. If you are gathering with loved ones, sometimes it can feel like we’ve gone back in a time machine. Familial dynamics can be very triggering for individuals who have utilized fawning in parts of their lives to navigate these very relationships. Because our brains are assessing for threat, we might feel especially prone to utilizing these skills from the past in order to manage current relationships. It might be helpful to create a coping plan ahead of time with a therapist to ensure you’re taking care of your own needs while in a group of people that you may have prioritized over yourself in the past. We know that this can be scary and daunting, but we also recognize that having boundaries is a way to make change.

While this is not an exhaustive list of things to consider, we find that these are situations that are most common when it comes to the overlap between people-pleasing and the holiday season. While the festivities and gatherings may be focused on others, try to ground in taking care of your own needs to maintain regulation and emotional wellbeing. 

The information on this website is not intended to diagnose or treat any medical or psychological condition and is not a substitute for therapy. If you are experiencing an emergency please call/text 988 or go to your nearest emergency room.